I’m All Alone

I’m an extrovert, I love to be around people… and most people probably don’t realize how often I feel like I am completely alone, even when I’m in a crowded room.

Sunday was no different. I had just gotten back from family vacation and I felt like I was all alone. I was in a super sulky mood. Do you ever have those times? When the whole world is out to get you and everyone is avoiding you? (Hang with me here)… Sunday night I got to the point where Papa started revealing different places in my past that caused me to feel like I was alone, or worthless. So, for me to be completely authentic and vulnerable… here is the first (of many) super authentic posts. (You know, the ones that I don’t really want to post but I know I need to).

This is a list that I started making on Sunday…

  • As a kid I felt like I was the “odd one out”, I had a speech problem (couldn’t say my Rs, which is really bad when your name starts with an R). This speech problem caused me to stay to myself more because I felt like people made fun of me because I couldn’t talk correctly. (I apologize to anyone that I have corrected your speech/grammar).
  • My mom’s first words were “Red hair?!” — This one took me by surprise when Papa revealed it to me, and it isn’t that my mom did anything wrong, or that I’m upset… but He revealed that I have always thought that it was a bad thing.
  • My middle name “Marie” means bitterness… this has really bothered me recently.
  • I felt like I never had a best friend. Yes, I have had friends, but I never felt like I had that one best friend that I was always able to depend on in my childhood. Or that I felt like they considered me their best friend as well.
  • Some of my friends were my friends because they were really my sister’s friends.
  • My sisters got things because of various reasons and I felt left out.
  • At some point at the church I was “booted” to playing only pads (strings, synths, etc.) and I was frustrated because I’m a classically trained pianist and I love playing piano.
  • And there are a few other reasons; however, because I have not talked to the people that “caused” the problems, I am going to leave them out.
The deal is… Papa revealed these things to me, not to make me feel bad for myself, or to keep myself in a “Woe is me!” state of mind. Instead, He took me to those moments to show me how He has redeemed those times.
  • I no longer have a speech problem (I’m so thankful for my speech teacher, Mrs. Moxley)…
  • I absolutely love the fact that my hair is red!
  • In Hebrew the name Marie also means, “Wished-for-child”
  • I have some of the best friends I could ask for now.
  • I have found freedom through forgiveness from the time that I felt that I was “booted” on the piano… and I was able to have a friendship birth from that forgiveness.
That’s just a few of the ways that those past hurts were redeemed. Friends, I don’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, or any other reason than to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I could have chosen to stay in the “Woe is me!” land and continue to sulk, but I knew that Papa didn’t take me through those times for me to stay there, but to bring freedom to me. You see, we all can experience those times in our lives when we feel alone, useless, neglected, worthless, etc. but it is in those moments that the enemy is trying to make us lose our focus. The bible tells us that God will never leave us or forsake us… He is with us! But He will never make you leave the “Woe is me!” land… that is a choice you have to make.
I want to challenge you to sit down and listen to what Papa tells you, write down those moments that He brings to your memory, and then let Him show you how those times have been redeemed. AND, like me, if you have yet to have the redemption moments, make the time to talk to those people and allow Holy Spirit to lead those conversations and to breath life into the relationships and bring redemption to those memories.
I love you all and appreciate you for taking the time to read. I would love to hear from you!

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