I’m an extrovert, I love to be around people… and most people probably don’t realize how often I feel like I am completely alone, even when I’m in a crowded room.
Sunday was no different. I had just gotten back from family vacation and I felt like I was all alone. I was in a super sulky mood. Do you ever have those times? When the whole world is out to get you and everyone is avoiding you? (Hang with me here)… Sunday night I got to the point where Papa started revealing different places in my past that caused me to feel like I was alone, or worthless. So, for me to be completely authentic and vulnerable… here is the first (of many) super authentic posts. (You know, the ones that I don’t really want to post but I know I need to).
This is a list that I started making on Sunday…
- As a kid I felt like I was the “odd one out”, I had a speech problem (couldn’t say my Rs, which is really bad when your name starts with an R). This speech problem caused me to stay to myself more because I felt like people made fun of me because I couldn’t talk correctly. (I apologize to anyone that I have corrected your speech/grammar).
- My mom’s first words were “Red hair?!” — This one took me by surprise when Papa revealed it to me, and it isn’t that my mom did anything wrong, or that I’m upset… but He revealed that I have always thought that it was a bad thing.
- My middle name “Marie” means bitterness… this has really bothered me recently.
- I felt like I never had a best friend. Yes, I have had friends, but I never felt like I had that one best friend that I was always able to depend on in my childhood. Or that I felt like they considered me their best friend as well.
- Some of my friends were my friends because they were really my sister’s friends.
- My sisters got things because of various reasons and I felt left out.
- At some point at the church I was “booted” to playing only pads (strings, synths, etc.) and I was frustrated because I’m a classically trained pianist and I love playing piano.
- And there are a few other reasons; however, because I have not talked to the people that “caused” the problems, I am going to leave them out.
- I no longer have a speech problem (I’m so thankful for my speech teacher, Mrs. Moxley)…
- I absolutely love the fact that my hair is red!
- In Hebrew the name Marie also means, “Wished-for-child”
- I have some of the best friends I could ask for now.
- I have found freedom through forgiveness from the time that I felt that I was “booted” on the piano… and I was able to have a friendship birth from that forgiveness.